Jøhnny Fävòrítê (johnnyfavorite) wrote,
Jøhnny Fävòrítê

the way will be opening

I am editing some stuff I wrote back in the year 2000 to make it suitable for consumption by adults. I want to show it to others without embarrassing myself. Editor-me-in-2003 is sure getting sick to death of writer-me-in-2000. I'd like to send him a note:

Dear dumbeaux,

Did you know that you can get 95 percent of everything right in your life and still manage to screw up absolutely every situation with the remaining five percent of your bad behavior? STRANGE, but TRUE.

Yourself in the year 2003.

Proving for myself that, yes, without a doubt, I did indeed need a break from life. I can't believe how much my attitude has changed, compared to what I wrote back then. I was going so far out of my way to be snotty to just about everybody. Always finding the bad things in any situation.

If there was anyone around trying to tell me about the mistakes I was making, I'm sure I couldn't hear them. That also happened to be the phase when I was rebelling against my mom telling me what to do for so long, so I had to go to the opposite extreme and not let anybody have any effect on me whatsoever. I was actually proud of that.

Ahhh, geez. It never ends, does it.

Back in my youth, before anybody thought to invent blogs or the internet or computers or transistors or light bulbs or electricity or fire or the wheel or atoms, I wrote in a paper journal with a pencil in longhand. Every now and then I dig out those paper journals and read them. They are surprisingly defensive, despite the fact that I never intended to let anyone else read them, and for the most part I never have, even to this day. They were defensive because I was imagining my older self reading them. I was thinking he would be disgusted with my behavior. I thought I was unique in that respect, but I was telling a friend about it once and she said she did it too, when she was a youngster.

That just cracks me up. Most of it is pretty silly and juvenile, to be sure. But not at all inappropriate, given my age, maturity level, and upbringing. So hey kid, relax! The very fact that you are worried about how other people would react to your behavior is a good sign. You'll be in your late thirties and totally beyond self-criticism before your behavior really does disgust me.
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