Our relationship has always been complicated. Usually, when someone says “our relationship is complicated,” it’s code for “I am inhabiting an ugly dysfunctional mess that I’m too weak to walk away from.” You’d be forgiven for thinking that, and perhaps it’s even true, from your perspective. But I’ve never been more sure that I did the right thing than I am now.
Steph and I serve important roles in each other’s lives. That was especially true when I first met her. She was having a lot of trouble, sinking into a morass she couldn’t find her way out of. She told almost noone how bad things had gotten for her. It feels wrong writing even this much about Steph’s situation back then, but she has written about it herself, right here on LiveJournal, so I don’t think I’m too far out of line.
Today she is doing so much better. She has a job at Whole Foods that’s difficult but rewarding. She is much more prepared to cope with her life. I like to think I had a hand in that. She’s leaving under her own power, strong and healthy. I always knew it should end this way, as much as it breaks my heart. She is still the most important person in my life.
I am so sad about this. I know Steph is doing the right thing, but I got so attached to her. She is the one person in the world that I talk to about everything. She is why I more or less stopped using the internet as a social outlet. These days I tell her instead, and the need to express myself dissipates. No typing involved.
How do you deal with grief as an adult? Totally off the table: withering remarks, yelling, threats, attempts at wounding others, ultimatums, baiting, emo superlatives declaring your situation to be so much more deep and important than anyone else’s. What’s left? Crying? Seems inadequate.
I feel like I’m getting pretty close to the end of an era with LiveJournal, too. The fact that they banned our home IP address for close to a month seems portentious. I have at least one more entry to write, alluded to here, and then I’m free. Not looking forward to that one, though.